Date #1: Leeeeeerrrrrroyyyy Loverrrrrrrr

yuckPertinent stats: Well I joined Bumble like 76 hours ago and my enthusiasm for it lasted about thirty minutes. First guy I gave my number to asked for titty pics. Second guy asked me out and when I said I had plans with a girlfriend, asked me if she was DTF. You guys, I mean. Alright. New theory is that men on Bumble are more aggressive because they assume that if a woman messages you, she’s looking to be gifted by your dick. Please sir, can I have some more cock?

That is nothing about this dude. This dude is 35, attentive and responsive on the app, attractive enough, kind of a silver fox thing happening, and is originally from New Orleans which may have everything to do with me messaging him first. Works in IT. Which seems to be like every dude I’ve ever dated.

I just don’t know about this Bumble thing. But what else am I doing?

Beardliness: beard iconbeard icon

Two, let’s say two. I’m getting more flexible about this. I’m nearly 28, according to my mother my eggs are dying and I can no longer afford to be picky about things like “physical attraction” or “not a pedophile.”

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Date #1: The Meat Man


How much pork belly, did you say?

Pertinent stats: Met him on Coffee Meets Bagel, he’s 34, there’s a dog in his profile photo, he’s 6’4″, he works with meat (an actual thing he texted me, “I work with meat,” I mean, yeah, me too, if it’s a good Friday night). I am putty in his hands. Let us procreate boo! (Just kidding, still deeply ambivalent about kids.) (Also relationships.) (Huh.)

We don’t chat for long before he asks if we can meet up and I like this–I hate the back-and-forth push/pull of chatting or texting or what have you for weeks until you meet up with someone. I can’t tell anything about you until I actually meet you.

Beardliness: beard iconbeard iconbeard iconbeard icon

God bless this beard! This is the best beard I’ve seen for a loooong time. Well-maintained, reddish, I could imagine that rubbing all over my thighs. *shiver*  Continue reading

Date #1: The Littlest Drummer Man

louie ck kissing bearded men

I think this speaks for itself. P.S. CK, you could absolutely finger blast me in public.

Pertinent stats: This is one of those quick meet ups, sort of, where you only message for a few days before you just say, “Fuck it, let’s meet up and suck some face.”  6’1” (you can tell that this information is the most important to me because I lead with it pretty much always), hipster-y with an interest in improv and a penchant for punning (I’m all about the alliteration), 28, and I have no idea what he does.  But he lives in Oakland, so there’s that.  From our brief texting courtship phase, our senses of humor seem aligned so there’s that too.  Also, he’s probably not engaged!  (Oh God, what if he’s engaged?!)

I’m coming off a cold a little bit so I’ve got sexy Phoebe Buffay voice. I’m also having a ridiculously good hair day before this date, so yeah.  I’m feeling kinda good tonight.

Beardliness: beard iconbeard icon

I wouldn’t call it a beard.  It’s a ‘stache, some lengthy-ass sideburns and basically what appear to my girl-eyes to be the equivalent of leg warmers for his cheeks– not covering all of it, but keeping him warmer than he might be otherwise. This is the most hipster facial hair I’ve taken for a test drive– we’re falling dangerously close into mutton chops and/or fu manchu territory but what the hell, what else am I doing on a Sunday night.   Continue reading

Date #1: The Survivalist

Disclaimer: This post contains NSFW photographic content.  So, use your own best judgment.

Pertinent stats: Going for an MBA at the same time he holds down a steady 9-5 in environmentally friendly construction.  Ok, good for you buddy!  Not super tall, but evidently I’m not a totally superficial bitch.  He also raises chickens in a coop at his house– that’s right, homeowner! (I am that superficial.)

Beardliness: beard iconbeard iconbeard iconbeard icon

Holy smokes, what a beard!  A thing of blondish-red beauty, I guess he’s going for the Thor look.  It’s kinda working. Continue reading