Date #1: The Christmas Caroler

cool-story-bro

At least Britney’s authentic with her disinterest.

A note: It’s been a really long time since I’ve updated this and I’m going to assume you’ve all gone on with your lives, as have I. Point in case: I’m now coming to you from Los Angeles, exploring the (significantly lessened) lumberjack crew down in these here parts. If you’ve given up on me, it’s cool. It’s not you, it’s me. Some lucky reader is going to be so happy to have this blog in her life, it’s just not you. For those who will continue to indulge my navel-gazing examinations of why dating fucking sucks, onward!

Pertinent stats: 6’3″. Which is really probably enough said, but okay, let’s see. 33. I’m bored and a little lonely and uh, sexually frustrated, so it’s really not taking much for me to say yes to dates these days. The nickname will be explained in due time but not in this post so bear with me. He manages a Baskin-Robbins, which may have everything to do with why I said yes to seeing him–I can be real naughty for free Jamoca Almond Fudge.

Beardliness: Nein! Nein bearden. (Definitely accurate German.) But he is my favorite height, so probably that’s a solid foundation for love. Continue reading

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Date #3: Tampon Guy

“End of the cycle” Screen shot 2014-06-16 at 1.58.59 AM

Pertinent information: “We barely touched the tip of the iceberg the first time. I think Monday was gonna be 10x better than you could have imagined, but I understand that’s not what you’re looking for. I don’t think that’s any reason to deprive yourself of some serious fun though.” This text from Tampon is in reference to a “date” I canceled on the week before. The word date is used loosely here as it has become exceedingly clear that I am only interested in tampon sex now. The day we scheduled sex, mostly because of my general disdain for showers, and in a small effort to feel like a better human,  I told Tampon to forget about our little arrangement so I could move forth and perhaps find someone who actually enjoys a nice veggie scramble. BUT THEN I got this fucking text and I am a curious little lady, so I took the bait and drove up to check out Tampon’s new bachelor pad.

Beardliness: It’s gone :/ Continue reading