Date #1: The Doubtful Professor

“Mmm, ramen.”

Pertinent stats: Community college professor, tall, the first and only guy to actually call me from OkCupid to talk to me instead of just texting– classy move, Professor.  He gets his name because when I tell my mother what he does, she goes, “…do you really believe that?” Not sure why this guy is the line in the sand for her, but evidently he is.  Also not sure who would pretend to be a college professor– an architect, sure, but a community college professor?

Beardliness: beard icon

More of a stubble, really. Continue reading

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Date #1: The Non-Rapist

kissing bearded men britney spears wtfPertinent stats: Younger than me, but not by much.  Law student (at Golden Gate University, is this the DeVry of law school?  Is it possible to have a DeVry of law school?).  That’s all I’ve got.

Beardliness: Zero beards.

Disturbingly baby-faced but I guess there are more important things in life.  (Such as…uh…)  Not convinced he could grow one if he tried, but that’s alright, I’m sure you have other sterling qualities I am about to discover. Continue reading

Date #2: Major Mustache

kissing bearded men_major mustache_i love this

This was the best of all movies. If you do not agree, take your hand out of my pants.

Pertinent stats: Still tall as hell.  Still beardy.  I had a really fun time with him on the first date, but away from him, I don’t have the same feeling.  I’m not waiting for his texts.  I’m not thinking about kissing him again.  But I’m also not sure that I’ve ever felt that way after a first date?

Beardliness: beard iconbeard iconbeard iconbeard icon

Not much has changed, but I am noticing more gray in his beard.  This is the first beard I’ve ever kissed that’s graying.  Not sure how I feel about it. Continue reading

Date #1: Major Mustache

kissing bearded men erection

“Send me a Beyonce gif one more time. ONE MORE TIME, I DARE YA.”

Pertinent stats: We’ve been texting back and forth for about a week– he’s been sending me Beyonce gifs and this is more or less a 100% guarantor that I’ll bone you.  I can think of very few things that will get you into my pants more quickly.  He’s 30, 6’5”, in my phone as “Major Mustache” because of the ridiculousness (and sheer beauty) of his facial hair, and sparse on the details of what he does with his life– seems free at all hours of the day and does not seem to sleep so I’m hypothesizing that he’s Zorro.  Oh my God, I hope he’s Zorro.

Beardliness: beard iconbeard iconbeard iconbeard icon

This is a mountain man beard.  This is Paul Bunyan’s beard. There’s more hair under his chin than over his head.  And I like it. Continue reading

Date #2: Mr. Honesty

"What do you mean there's no InNOut in the city?!"

“What do you mean there’s no In-n-Out in the city?! Godzilla SMASH!”

Pertinent stats: We’d made plans to see “Godzilla” before the end of the first date.  I have so little interest in seeing this movie, even I’m not sure why I said yes to it.  However, I am a fan of the movie date in general– not a lot of work involved there, does it get more lazy than me? In between dates, we’re texting and he comes up with this gem.

Me: “How’s your week going?”

Him: “Not bad, have a date planned with a cute chick on Friday.”

YOU GUYS.  That’s not me!  I should be offended by this, right?  Instead, I find it kind of hilarious, like that time BART gave me back $3.75 in change in nickels. (“Lady, you’ve won the BART jackpot!”) What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Is it really possible that someone could be this bad at dating? It shouldn’t make me MORE into him, right?  That’s deeply sick.

Beardliness: beard iconbeard iconbeard icon

I’m definitely beard goggling the shit outta him. Continue reading