God bless Australia!
(Yes, I realize that the name of this date is also the title of an unforgivably bad rom-com starring Diane Lane. I know this. I’m not proud of myself, ok?)
Pertinent stats: 26, works in…TECH! Just moved to San Francisco and lives in a nice apartment by himself in SoMa, so… this means his finances are in quite decent shape. Not my number one criteria (probably not even in my top 5) but it is nice to know. We’ve been texting for the last week and a half or so and there’s been very little textual chemistry but I remain hopeful for an in-person interaction, because…6’3” and he keeps sending me ridiculously cute pictures of his dog. I can already feel myself fake laughing at his jokes!
Beardliness: 
Deliciously beardy. I want to ride his facial hair like a bike. He also bears a striking resemblance to Beard Goggles. It’s possible they’re long lost brothers. (No, I don’t have a type, why do you ask?)
Date itinerary: Ah. Well. This has been a bit of a struggle. We’ve been texting about meeting up to grab a drink in the city and he asks me for suggestions– I throw out District (yuppie-tastic wine bar in SoMa which I immediately regret suggesting because it’s fairly fussy); Tres (never actually been there but I’ve heard good things about their margaritas); and 21st Amendment (which is actually my personal pick, that place is a lot of fun and has watermelon flavored beer with about 5% alcohol content which is seriously my speed for a weeknight date). Despite this, we have yet to set either a time or location as of 4pm on Date Day. I find this a little irritating although I am well aware that my tendency to micromanage is not my most attractive quality. He finally suggests The Creamery for a drink.
First impression: Better looking in person than his online profile. Oh yes, I am quite attracted to this person. This is a weird thing to notice and probably says a lot about my Netflix addiction but he has Rob McElhenny’s nose, which is a great compliment. It’s a damn fine nose.
Recap and highlights
Ah, San Francisco summers and your unexpected rainshowers. There goes the blow out I could barely convince my lazy ass to attempt this morning. Also manage to slide and totally eat shit in public– one of those trips where total strangers rush to your aid because they’re convinced you might need medical attention. Nothin’ but grace and class over here.
I’ve actually been to The Creamery before, but my experience of it was the vicious morning after a night of drinking that ended my relationship with tequila shots forever (vaya con dios Sauza). They have delicious coffee and bacon but was not aware that they were known for their drinks, which, turns out, is a selection of one red or white wine and three beers on tap. Interesting choice, Must Love.
Although we’re both asking lots of questions and he’s laughing at my jokes (and sneaks a cleavage glance or two, hey, that’s why I put ‘em out there) conversation doesn’t really find any sort of rhythm and he’s not making a lot of eye contact, and kind of stammering. Can’t really tell if he’s just socially awkward or not that into me, which causes me to overcompensate and get louder and try to be funnier and that’s no good. It does come up that he went to Israel on birthright and helloooo Chosen Person, I think my panties just flew off.
Also, this interaction.
Me: “What’s your favorite movie?”
Him: “Hmm…probably Gladiator.”
Me (in tones of hushed rapture because hohmygod, I think I just came– it’s not much of an exaggeration to say that movie was a sexual awakening for Middle School Me): “Ohhhh yesssssssss.”
He looks slightly nonplussed by this response. Which is a pretty decent reaction to your date spontaneously climaxing at the mere mention of a Russell Crowe movie. Also, isn’t Gladiator everyone’s favorite movie? It’s not like he name dropped Hammers Over the Anvil (naked Russell Crowe! Naked Russell Crowe! Everybody see it! Naked Russell Crowe!). Really should’ve dialed down the excitement but could not help myself.
Date finishes with a hug and no mention of seeing each other again, but this guy is also not a planner– but probably not a good sign.
Price tag: He buys my drinks and is quite chivalrous about it. No clue, but it’s San Francisco so beers are probably about $15 each. (Fuck you, San Francisco.)
Grade: Umm. Well, if I’m being honest, there wasn’t much chemistry and conversation couldn’t really pick up any traction but I’m super attracted to him so, B+? (I think I need a better grading rubric for this.)
Bottom line: Pretty doubtful that I’ll hear from this guy again. Honestly, nothing was really clicking between us and some comments he made rubbed me the wrong way– mostly about his high school experience being smarter than his teachers, oh really? Haven’t heard that one before– but I’m willing to overlook this in case of Date 2 because I’m physically drawn to him. You know, the important foundation upon which to build. Evidently yeah, I am that shallow.
Kissing Bearded Men 
Hi BeardedGuy, he sounds ADORABLE. We just all seem to fall for men with dogs (MwD? Will that be the new texting acronym for this, you know how we are as a chic culture.) Remember to aim to meet him SOON. Perhaps a cavort around Delores Park with a Frisbee and his dear doggie, and then a nosh over in the mid-Mission district fun foodies on Valencia Street? Have a blast! (and then give one! lol)