Date #2: The Southern Gent

kissing bearded men southern gent #2

Eh, not a bad date.

Pertinent stats: This second date is 50% because I had a fun time on the first date with this guy– I’m not particularly into him but I find him easy to be around– and 50% proving to myself that I’m not a raging heightist. (Oh, but I am.  This is a losing battle.)  I’m looking forward to it, but not enough to even de-ponytail my hair, and that’s pretty fucking lazy.

Beardliness: Zero.

Is it possible to give a negative beardliness score?  I think that’s where we’re at. Continue reading

Date #3: Tampon Guy

“End of the cycle” Screen shot 2014-06-16 at 1.58.59 AM

Pertinent information: “We barely touched the tip of the iceberg the first time. I think Monday was gonna be 10x better than you could have imagined, but I understand that’s not what you’re looking for. I don’t think that’s any reason to deprive yourself of some serious fun though.” This text from Tampon is in reference to a “date” I canceled on the week before. The word date is used loosely here as it has become exceedingly clear that I am only interested in tampon sex now. The day we scheduled sex, mostly because of my general disdain for showers, and in a small effort to feel like a better human,  I told Tampon to forget about our little arrangement so I could move forth and perhaps find someone who actually enjoys a nice veggie scramble. BUT THEN I got this fucking text and I am a curious little lady, so I took the bait and drove up to check out Tampon’s new bachelor pad.

Beardliness: It’s gone :/ Continue reading

Date #1: Must Love Dogs

russell crowe

God bless Australia!

(Yes, I realize that the name of this date is also the title of an unforgivably bad rom-com starring Diane Lane.  I know this.  I’m not proud of myself, ok?)

Pertinent stats: 26, works in…TECH!  Just moved to San Francisco and lives in a nice apartment by himself in SoMa, so… this means his finances are in quite decent shape.  Not my number one criteria (probably not even in my top 5) but it is nice to know.  We’ve been texting for the last week and a half or so and there’s been very little textual chemistry but I remain hopeful for an in-person interaction, because…6’3” and he keeps sending me ridiculously cute pictures of his dog.  I can already feel myself fake laughing at his jokes!

Beardliness: beard iconbeard iconbeard iconbeard icon

Deliciously beardy.  I want to ride his facial hair like a bike.  He also bears a striking resemblance to Beard Goggles.  It’s possible they’re long lost brothers.  (No, I don’t have a type, why do you ask?) Continue reading

Date #1: The Southern Gent

manuel ferrara kissing bearded men

Est-ce que tu aimes le sex? Driver roll up the partition pleeeeease…

Pertinent stats: 28, from Arkansas, 5’9″-ish. Like the near-saint I am, I’ve decided to go out with a guy who is slightly shorter than me (Jesus, canonization is imminent!).  This decision mostly has to do with two things: his online user name is a pretty funny 30 Rock reference and he’s getting his PhD from Cal in chemistry (hello brilliant future children), and I’m very much on board with both of these things.  As a friend pointed out, this is my chance to act out any Big Bang Theory fantasies (I mean, the difference between me and Kaley Cuoco is negligible).  However, I can’t quite seem to drum up much enthusiasm about this guy, to the point where thirty minutes before the date, I am binge watching porn trying to get something going downstairs.  What, that’s not how you prep for dates?

Beardliness: Zero beards.

Bald face and head like a Mexican hairless cat.  Not sure if I’m into that. Continue reading