Date #1: The Epic Friend Zoner

kissing bearded men tiger

Where the party at?

Pertinent stats: One of my few non-OkCupid dates, this is a setup via a friend’s fiance.  Here’s what I know: he’s 26, going for a joint MBA/JD from Stanford and clearly a bit of an overachiever.  Color me impressed.

Beardliness: Absolutely zero beards.

Face as bald as a baby’s ass. Continue reading


Date #2 (?): NOLA Chef

"I think you might be my dream girl."

“I think you might be my dream girl.”

Pertinent stats: Met this guy at a mixer the week before– very nice, very obviously into me, which doesn’t usually play all that well with me.  (Should maybe examine that issue sometime.)  Insists on calling me because he doesn’t like to text so we’ve spoken on the phone a few times.  Doesn’t bode well for either one of us that twenty minutes before the date, I’m fantasizing about going home, putting on sweats and the customary ponytail and watching Seinfeld until I fall asleep, but I’m trying to remain optimistic.  Bribe myself that if I make An Effort to be open and at least give myself a shot at being into this guy, I won’t feel bad about the salt and pepper chips I’ll destroy tomorrow during Game of Thrones.

Beardliness: Zero beards.

Nope.  I’m an equal opportunity facial hair dater, apparently. Continue reading

Date #2: Tampon Guy

There Will Be Tampon

 Screen shot 2014-05-21 at 9.07.45 PM

Pertinent information: You know him, a least a little. The man you know as Tampon Guy is about to earn his name.

Beardliness: beard iconbeard iconbeard iconbeard icon  I’m upping it to 4 because of what is about to happen. I’d like to think his beard is mostly at fault for everything.  Also, he took off his hat because NO HATS IN MAH BED and I can see his nice face, which makes the beard look even better! Continue reading

Date #1: The Handsome Stalker

I think it's safe to say Lucky's knows what I'm up to tonight.

I think it’s safe to say Lucky’s knows what I’m up to tonight.

Pertinent stats: I found this guy on Coffee Meets Bagel AND BOY IS HE CREEPY.  The second text he sent me included the essential background check he’d run on me– my last name, my alma mater, my work history, my recent Goodreads recommendations (he looked at my Goodreads!  My GOODREADS!  Where I go. To play.  With my books!).  The weirdest part was, he was just stating all of these facts at me, not asking me about them or anything.  All of this information that I hadn’t told him at all.  Just listing it at me.  If you think this is acceptable behavior, I fear for whatever deep down crazy you’re concealing from me.  When I gently tweak him about stalker-y tendencies, his response is, “It’s not the legal definition of stalking.” Um. Ok. Jesus.

But the other pertinent information, aka, why this date is actually happening: he’s 6’3” and very good looking.  To the point where I tell friends the story of the texts, they tell me to block his number, I show his profile picture and the response invariably is: “…yeah, ok.”  That good looking.  (Note: I think I finally understand what men see in really crazy hot chicks!)

Beardliness: beard iconbeard icon

Umm, so, this date happened last night and I honestly couldn’t even tell you what was happening with his beard.  Did I look at him?  I did, right?  I’m pretty sure I did.  Two beards? Continue reading

My First Mixer, or, A Supposedly Fun Thing I May Never Do Again

Pertinent stats: I’ve gone speed dating before, which is a special sort of hell unto itself, but I’ve never actually been to a dating mixer.  I’m a quarter of a century old, let’s change that, shall we?  I invited along one of my single friends– she’s quite beautiful and more or less the polar opposite of me physically so I feel like we make a good team, we’ve got quite a few predilections covered here.  You want tall, buxom and blonde?  Check!  You want petite half-Asian beauties?  We’ve got that too!  Come chat with us!

Itinerary: Happy hour at a bar in the Mission called Slate, which allegedly turns into a dance club at some point in the evening.  I’m not emotionally ready for this to turn into a club, so let’s hope that’s not happening. I’m not really sure how one of these things go.  I’m hoping there is no sort of mandatory ice breaker, I hate having to do those for work, I am not at all interested in doing that here. Continue reading