Date #1: Leeeeeerrrrrroyyyy Loverrrrrrrr

yuckPertinent stats: Well I joined Bumble like 76 hours ago and my enthusiasm for it lasted about thirty minutes. First guy I gave my number to asked for titty pics. Second guy asked me out and when I said I had plans with a girlfriend, asked me if she was DTF. You guys, I mean. Alright. New theory is that men on Bumble are more aggressive because they assume that if a woman messages you, she’s looking to be gifted by your dick. Please sir, can I have some more cock?

That is nothing about this dude. This dude is 35, attentive and responsive on the app, attractive enough, kind of a silver fox thing happening, and is originally from New Orleans which may have everything to do with me messaging him first. Works in IT. Which seems to be like every dude I’ve ever dated.

I just don’t know about this Bumble thing. But what else am I doing?

Beardliness: beard iconbeard icon

Two, let’s say two. I’m getting more flexible about this. I’m nearly 28, according to my mother my eggs are dying and I can no longer afford to be picky about things like “physical attraction” or “not a pedophile.”

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Date #1: The Meat Man


How much pork belly, did you say?

Pertinent stats: Met him on Coffee Meets Bagel, he’s 34, there’s a dog in his profile photo, he’s 6’4″, he works with meat (an actual thing he texted me, “I work with meat,” I mean, yeah, me too, if it’s a good Friday night). I am putty in his hands. Let us procreate boo! (Just kidding, still deeply ambivalent about kids.) (Also relationships.) (Huh.)

We don’t chat for long before he asks if we can meet up and I like this–I hate the back-and-forth push/pull of chatting or texting or what have you for weeks until you meet up with someone. I can’t tell anything about you until I actually meet you.

Beardliness: beard iconbeard iconbeard iconbeard icon

God bless this beard! This is the best beard I’ve seen for a loooong time. Well-maintained, reddish, I could imagine that rubbing all over my thighs. *shiver*  Continue reading

Date #2: The Christmas Caroler


About sums it up.

Pertinent stats: Since last I’ve seen this man, he has turned another year older and also, he has cut his hair, which he felt compelled to tell me over text. Kinda sweet, if I weren’t a crotchety old bitch who gets itchy every time he texts me because he is CLEARLY into me and I’m not sure that I’m feeling it at all. But on the other hand, it is nice to have someone to chat with and I’m not proud of myself but I’m definitely prolonging the texting by responding and keeping it going even though I’m not super into it. Because ego trips are the cheapest vacations!

Beardliness: Still nada.

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Date #1: The Christmas Caroler


At least Britney’s authentic with her disinterest.

A note: It’s been a really long time since I’ve updated this and I’m going to assume you’ve all gone on with your lives, as have I. Point in case: I’m now coming to you from Los Angeles, exploring the (significantly lessened) lumberjack crew down in these here parts. If you’ve given up on me, it’s cool. It’s not you, it’s me. Some lucky reader is going to be so happy to have this blog in her life, it’s just not you. For those who will continue to indulge my navel-gazing examinations of why dating fucking sucks, onward!

Pertinent stats: 6’3″. Which is really probably enough said, but okay, let’s see. 33. I’m bored and a little lonely and uh, sexually frustrated, so it’s really not taking much for me to say yes to dates these days. The nickname will be explained in due time but not in this post so bear with me. He manages a Baskin-Robbins, which may have everything to do with why I said yes to seeing him–I can be real naughty for free Jamoca Almond Fudge.

Beardliness: Nein! Nein bearden. (Definitely accurate German.) But he is my favorite height, so probably that’s a solid foundation for love. Continue reading